i am not a girl's girl.

if this statement made you gasp, you're a part of the problem.

a woman does not owe her compliance to a specific acceptable archetype of ‘good woman’ to be a feminist. claiming to be a girl’s girl or shaming a woman for not being a girl’s girl is equally bad. the entire essence of feminism lies in the fact that we respect a woman’s autonomy to be the way she wants to be. there is a script for the ‘ideal’ woman according to the patriarchal society. being the ideal ‘girl’s girl’ is the female version of the script. if you don’t fit in, you’re shamed for it. you’re no longer a torch bearer of the feminist movement.

but let’s put it straight, if you’re a ‘pick me’, you’re appeasing the men but if you’re a ‘girl’s girl’, you’re appeasing the women. it is the exact same thing. both are an attempt at fitting in and trying to hold a moral high ground for being different than the ‘others’ that don’t act the same. who exactly decides what behaviour/character fits into both the labels? why are we so obsessed with labelling and fitting everybody into hard categories in the first place. it's infuriating. human are complex creatures with various layers to them. i love comparing humans to croissants in that aspect.

girls can be your biggest silent haters.

this year has been fundamental in reshaping the way i perceive and build friendships. what interaction makes me decide i want them as a part of my life? what characteristics determine whether i should trust them with my secrets, my goals, my vulnerabilities?

ever since i was a kid, gender played a huge role. i never had male friends, i did not trust them. mostly because for a majority of women, a lot of male friendships come with hidden attraction from either end and then it’s not a purely platonic friendship anymore. i was naturally way more open to female friendships than male. even right now, if it’s a woman that’s trying to be friends with me, i’d be much more willing to take it further without questioning whether they’re simply attracted to my physical appearance or just want to fuck me.

but here’s exactly where we fail. why do we not question that women can also have ulterior motives for wanting to be closer to you? for being your friend?

we should bond and trust each other because we have a common ‘enemy’ may work in business or politics but if that’s the foundation of your friendships, you’re digging a hole for yourself.

i feel as a woman, sometimes when we see another women that has a certain amount of confidence, attention, validation, lifestyle and friendships - it eventually is very hard to draw the line between admiration and comparison.

more often that i’d like to accept, i’ve seen my ‘female friends’ try to be me. it starts with ‘i love the way you speak’, ‘i love the way you do your eye makeup’, ‘i love the way you carry yourself’ and then suddenly those exact traits start appearing somewhere else too. there’s nothing wrong in taking inspiration. i’d love if a certain way i do my makeup makes another friend of mine feel prettier or confident. it’s hard to explain but when you know you know. the way they’re curious about every single thing you do, the way they’re almost quietly studying every little aspect of your being. the extremes of this can genuinely be obsession. inspiration comes with individuality, blatantly wanting to be you comes with a lot of surveillance.

i refuse to romanticize sisterhood or female friendships just because the common denominator is gender. i’m not demonizing it either. i’m just saying we have to unlearn the narratives we’re taught in friendships and other relationships close to us that fundamentally change who we are as a person.

some of the most extraordinary support i’ve received has come from women but some of the most vicious competition, project, and betrayal has too. and it’s very funny and ironic but both can simultaneously exist and it drives you insane because you’re unable to identify it as one intention which can help you conclude whether you wanna continue this friendship or not.
the same woman that has built and protected you can also compete with you, break you and resent you over the smallest things.

again, i’m not saying don’t be friends with women, male friendships are the best yada yada, i’m saying we have to stop assuming being a woman automatically makes someone safe.
i do not want blind solidarity in my friendships, i want character. women do not owe women unconditional loyalty. no one does, regardless of gender. we owe each other more basic things than that. the dignity of being treated as an individual instead of a rival, audience, resource or threat.

as i entered my 20s and learnt to decenter men romantically, i’ve always craved extremely deep connections in all of my friendships, i wanted to connect on every level possible. always held friendships to a very high regard. and the most bitter lesson i’ve learnt is, we’re programmed as woman to hold bitterness against each other without even there being actual trespasses of betrayal or bad intention. there’s nothing actually going on for a woman to hold the amount of hostility she does against another based on a ‘bad feeling’ which is usually internalized misogyny that convinces you that her win means your loss. when in reality, it does not affect your life trajectory at all. if someone was acting off for a week, maybe it’s not about you or jealousy at all maybe they’re having a bad week, maybe you did something that hurt them, maybe they decided you were not someone they could put up with and decided to distance themselves.

if i had a friend of 20 years that idk took an intentional step and went out of her way to cause me some harm, i’d be mad and yeah i’d consider cutting her off but usually most of the ‘wrongdoings’ that we experience as girls in our early and mid 20s aren’t even intentional digs at you. the amount of tolerance we have for a female friend is nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the amount of tolerance and chances we give to a stupid guy that we eventually end breaking up with.

most of the times the amount of damage a woman does to you isn’t even proportional to the amount of outrage and hurt you feel. i may be wrong but i feel like the only reasonable answer to this disproportionality is insecurity.
i haven’t been the perfect in all of my friendships. i’ve been the jealous girl. jealousy is a very natural human emotion to feel. but acknowledging the jealousy and dealing with it in a manner where you’re not actively sabotaging your friendship with the person is what makes the difference. acknowledgement and introspection would save too many relationships wouldn’t it?

we fail in female friendships because we leave no room for a human to make mistakes. we don’t give them enough grace, we don’t let them get away with anything at all even if it’s unintentional. every little move is treated like some strategic play they’re doing to get something out of you. sometimes that’s actually the case but more often than not, it’s your bitterness. and it usually stems from insecurity.

so the next time you go crying to your mom telling her a girl did you wrong and she says they’re just jealous of you? maybe she’s right.

final words

friendships do not look the same for everyone, just as romantic relationships. i’m 20 and still navigating what works for me and what doesn't in interpersonal relationships. the biggest realisation ive had about my friendships is that i have stopped letting gender being a deciding factor for tolerance. that means i don't expect better from women just because they're a woman, or feel way more hurt than i would with their actions if weren't a woman. i can have really good and bad male and female friendships alike. it has to do with them as a person than their gender. broadly the same arguement that's applied to criminals. no, a woman does not deserve extra grace for her crime with the virtue of being one. if they're psychopathic, they are so despite their gender.

so yeah if not wanting to share my signature scent or lip combo ousts me from being a girl's girl, im okay with not being one. and a woman that does not understand that it does not make me any less of a friend is the type of woman i do not wish to associate with anyways.

do with this what you will.

yours inquisitively,

Nush <3